Guest Blog on Grief

This is by a very dear friend, Terri Griswold Dodgson, who is a professional counselor.

As I stood between the graves of my two brothers, Alan and Mike, the collision of emotions I experienced was overwhelming. Each feeling had its own weight and significance, creating a complex tapestry of sentiments.

Sorrow weighed heavily on my heart, as I mourned the loss of my brothers. The pain of their absence was still fresh, with a profound void in their place.

Joy mingled with the sorrow, as I cherished the memories I had with them. Those moments of laughter, shared experiences, and love were precious and irreplaceable. I was grateful for the time we had together.

Regret gnawed at me, as I wished I could have had more time with Alan and Mike. Time seemed cruelly short, and I lamented the moments I will never have.

Reminiscence brought back bittersweet memories of the day we discovered each other. The bond we shared, albeit short, has been a beautiful chapter in my life, and those memories are filled with both warmth and longing.

Fear gripped me when I thought of my mother, Mindi. Losing two sons so close together must be unimaginably painful for her, and I worry about how she will cope with this immense loss.

Trepidation loomed over me, as I contemplated what would happen next. The uncertainty of the future weighed on my mind, and I wondered how my family would navigate the challenges ahead.

These are just a few of the myriad of emotions I had experienced in a span of a few minutes. Never had I ever imagined that Alan & Mike would be gone from my life just 5 years after we found each other.

Mindi had given me up for adoption as a newborn and she went on to have 2 sons a few years after me. After submitting my DNA to ancestry.com, I discovered my new family. 43 years after being adopted, I found my birth mom and my 2 brothers. I still look back with joy on that day when I flew into Charleston, SC to meet them for the first time.

Those 5 short years mean so much to me. My brothers accepted me with arms wide open and I have 3 beautiful nieces from them. However, that time came to an abrupt end when they passed away 4 weeks apart. Oh the sadness, anger and regret that I experienced the first few weeks. I didn’t know that loss could be so overwhelming. Standing with my husband, Eric, after speaking at Alan’s funeral, my thoughts were consumed by self-doubt. I questioned whether my words and actions had done justice to my brother’s memory. I suppose it is natural to feel this way in such a moment, but I remember that my words and presence likely brought comfort and closure to those who were also grieving.

I’ve discovered in times of loss, it’s common to be overwhelmed by emotions, and it’s okay to question whether you did everything you could. Ultimately, your love for your loved ones shines through, and the support of your family and friends will help you navigate the difficult journey of grieving and healing.

In the midst of the sudden and tragic loss of 2 brothers in 4 weeks came an unexpected surprise. Alan and Mike have a brother from their dad and stepmom. Chris (& his wife Amanda) are some pretty amazing people. Chris & I have maintained contact since Mike & Alan’s funerals. I’m grateful that I can reach out to him and call him my pseudo brother. One thing that Chris said at Alan‘s funeral service was “death sucks for the living”. That has stuck with me ever since that, and it is a reminder that death for the living is a grueling and painful experience.

I have also gained a deeper relationship with my birth mom, Mindi. I am grateful that I found her 5 years ago and gained that relationship and have been able to have the time with her and with my brothers and we have great memories.

In this season of my life I have also grown deeper in my understanding God’s love for each of us and his comfort in times of sorrow. While I know that God created us to be connected with others in our life, he ultimately created us for fellowship with HIM. When the emotions are high and tears are flowing, running to the Abba has been the single best thing I could ever do. His Spirit flows over me and covers the most deepest pain.

I have also discovered over the next few months after the loss of my brothers that we as Americans do not know how to really grieve or how to approach those who are grieving. I am learning the art of grieving is different for everyone and that we should be mindful of loved ones who are suffering from loss. I am by no means an expert in this area of grief and loss.

However, I have spent time with other grieving individuals in my counseling office. It never ceases to amaze me how different we all grieve, which is why we do not have a standard manual of grief

Many of us are familiar with Kubler – Ross’s stages of grief. The stages include denial, anger, betrayal, bargaining and acceptance. When I work with clients I often talk about the stages of grief being random, and not linear. We often work our way through the stages throughout the day.

I also believe that we do not always experience every single stage. It is easier to identify what stage I am at the moment that I realize I am overwhelmed with grief. Once we can identify what stage we are in, we can then begin to work through our anger, depression, etc.

In closing, here are some guides to help you through your grief journey. First and foremost find a way to ground yourself when you feel the emotions being big. Allow yourself to feel them but find a way to ground yourself so you don’t feel knocked down to the ground. There many ways to ground yourself you can do a Google search and find a plethora of ways to do this.

Secondly, reach out and reach often to anyone that you can count on when you’re having those bad days. I have a circle of people in my life that I can send a quick text message stating that I’m having “one of those days”. Those friends will often call or text and ask what they can do at the moment. I don’t always have a specific thing they can do but if they are in person, I sometimes ask for a hug, the physical touch is healing. It’s a way to not feel alone in the struggle.

Finally, find a way to embrace the grief. It is 100% normal and painful but we won’t be in it forever. Do not shove down or push away the grief but find healthy ways to manage and get through the tough times. I would recommend finding a therapist to process some of those emotions and memories.

*excerpts from Terri’s upcoming book. To be placed on an email list when the book is published, send your email address to cherrychipcake2018@gmail.com.

Be Blessed

KB