Good Grief

In 1984, my daddy died at age 57. He had received bad blood during surgery for a torn tendon. When he was slow to recover, he went back to the doctor. Blood work was done. The doctor said, ‘Too bad. You’ve got three years to live.’ The death sentence was pronounced.

I refused to accept the doctor’s verdict and prayed with every bit of faith I could muster. I thought sure God would answer my prayers for his healing. When Daddy died, I was devastated and angry. For three years after his death I cried. I screamed at God. I questioned. I ranted, and I cried some more. Nothing could bring back my dear daddy, and I allowed my grief to overwhelm me.

Despite my anger at God for not answering my prayers the way I wanted, I continued to study the Bible as was my deeply ingrained habit. One desperate day, a passage came to my attention.

Isaiah 55:8-9 ‘For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,’ says the Lord. ‘For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts.’ Obviously my idea of healing and God’s were different. In reality, God’s idea was better and permanent. I finally accepted God’s will.

Through the years, I’ve learned that grieving comes for many reasons. Grief can be a result of dreams that die. Though not like a human death, aborted hopes and goals are still difficult and must be dealt with.

Grief comes during and at the aftermath of failed relationships. Dealing properly with the death of marriages or friendships helps a person be ready to move on to healthy attachments.

I’ve studied the stages of grief taught by counselors to help people cope. I understand them, but…

This time around, I don’t know. Maybe I’m still too tired to deal with Mom’s death. Maybe because I’m so old and headed swiftly toward ancient myself, I’m not grieving as much as I am wondering. What is heaven really like? Who was the first one Mama saw in heaven? Was she tickled silly to finally be there? How soon will I get there? Will God let me get my act together before I head for the pearly gates?

Maybe this time, I have a spark of thankfulness. Though she was short of breath due to the heart failure, I am thankful Mom wasn’t in pain. I’m thankful for the love she had for her children and grandchildren and the prayers she lifted up on our behalf. I’m thankful for the strength she displayed as she coped with life.

I guess this time, I have a good grief – feeling hers was a long life well-lived.

Blessings

Kara Beth